The Path of Parenting
I’ve come to realize that the ultimate destination of parenting is not to get shoes on, stop hitting your brother, taking all the AP classes, getting on the travel soccer team or even attending an elite college. The ultimate goal of parenting is to be invited to our kid’s house for the holidays when they are 30. Effective parenting is always focused on developing the long term relationship with our child. The vision for me is: “Is this going to get me invited to their house when they are 30 for the holidays?” If they invite their dear old Mom, they are a kind and empathetic person. If they have a home to invite me to, they are an employed, responsible and capable adult.
After 20 years in the Parent Coaching business and nearly 30 years parenting, I’ve learned and taught skills, a lot of skills. I’ve heard and told a lot of anecdotes about putting those skills in action, but it all boils down to just a few things:
Listen more than you talk
Hold connection in higher esteem than correction.
Love and admire them just the way they are today.
Share your wisdom and corrections in small doses, consistently.
Uphold limits that meet the needs of the situation and are mutually respectful.
Spend most of your energy living your very own, big, exciting, scary and fun life.
I am indeed a well-trained and experienced Certified Parent Educator, but my kids will happily certify, I’m no Certified Parent. They are adults now and like to say about my parenting, “Mistakes were made.” My son Eliot and I were re-hashing his search for a job one summer. Eliot had a bumpy road during his freshman year of college and wanted to come home to relax, chill in front of screens, stay out late with his friends and sleep, sleep, sleep as only teenagers can. He assured me he’d have a job and set a goal for his first day of work, in 3 weeks, June 1st.
I wanted Eliot to have the goal of “Job Tomorrow.” I wanted INSTANT results.I hopped RIGHT OFF that Positive Parenting path and went into the brambles of high anxiety over-functioning parent. I nagged. I cajoled. I berated. I made suggestions. I threatened. I yelled. I obsessed. He kept assuring me he’d have that job by June 1st . But I kept running off into the weeds, in search of security at the cost of our connection and confidence in his own capability.
Sure enough, he started his summer job June 1st.
Here’s what he just told me: “Mom, me getting motivated to get a job had very little to do with you yelling or shaming me. That made me want to resist and play more video games and sleep in. The moment I got truly motivated was heading up to a party on Capitol Hill where Scott, Adam and Ethan all shared what they were doing this summer. They turned and asked me my plan. Suddenly, I was READY to get working.”
GULP.
But here’s the great thing about being immersed in this parent education, coaching, and spouting wisdom:I have also grown humility over the years. You see, the destination on the Path of Parenting isn’t SUMMER JOB, or I’M ALWAYS RIGHT, but the long-term relationship. I was able to receive this course correction, accept my mistake and not waste time being defeated or deflated. Instead I went right back to listening more than I talk, loving and admiring them as they are today, and focusing on my big life.
We all fall off the paths we are on in any kind of relationship–parenting, friendship, work colleagues–and the trick is to re-adjust your vision and always know that the path is the long-term relationship.
I hope this new website and updated coaching packages helps YOU navigate the Path of Parenting with more grace, humor, humility, courage and just plain FUN!