The Art of the Consequence

What trips us parents up when it comes to consequences is consistency. It's a magical, mystical, paradoxical art. Some of us are very inconsistent. "I don't really feel like getting them to bed right now, one more game on the iPad won't ruin them."

How do I know?

How do you know if you are inconsistent? Is there is a lot of push back, whining, negotiating around every single limit or boundary? If yes, you might be the teeniest bit inconsistent. I've said it before, I'll say it again, kids are very, very under-employed and have a lot of time on their hands. IF they want that sleepover tonight with Zoey, even though they slept over at Zoey's last Saturday, and Sunday was a living hell of over tiredness. . . . they will beg, borrow, plead, barter and cry to get to you to let them do it. Because, why not? They know you are good limit setter, but a malleable limit upholder.

Fewer is Better

Better to have too few consequences than to inconsistently hold-ish up a bunch of them some of the time. Pick 2 to 3 consequences that reflect your core values and work on those. Let the rest go. Meal times important? Have a consistent meal time with consistent consequences for lateness, rudeness or bad manners and let go of making the bed for a while.

House Rules

Let the house rules limit the number of consequences by heading off common problems and areas of conflict. Sleepovers once a month. TV & video games played Friday - Sunday. Desserts every weekend night.

Positive Phrasing

Do you see what I did there? I phrased everything as a positive - I didn't say "No desserts during the week!" "NO TV during the week", "You can NOT have more than one sleep over a month." Language matters!

Ecology of the House

Let the ecology of the house uphold consequences. Devices and screens in public areas, if devices are found elsewhere they are put away for 24 hours (be reasonable folks, making kids suffer does not teach). This goes for us too. If we, or a beloved screen addicted spouse, lays in bed with their iPad - you are going to have some problems. 

Keep Your Cool

Kids are gonna sneak, and beg. They will roll their eyes, and try, try, TRY to get one more minute on their phones. They aren't bad kids when they break a limit, it’s just now you have to uphold the consequence. The more we keep our cool when they test the limits and need a consequence, the better we will be able to handle the situation effectively.

Reasonable, Related, Respectful & Revealed in Advance

Consequences are meant to teach, not shame. If they hit their brother at dinner the consequence should not be that they lose their phone for a week. They might be mad about the phone, but what are they learning about mutual respect or sharing? It’s a punishment if is mean, severe, unrelated to the behavior and meant to inflict pain. Let’s go back to hitting at dinner, the consequence might be that dinner is over for people who hit, and breakfast will be available in the morning. Or the hitter has to get up and get ice for the hit-ee and apologize. Or the hitter switches places with Dad so hit-ee is a safe distance from hitter.

Reach out if you want some help with consequences that work!