Annoying, But Beloved
While I spent nearly two decades thinking it was my job to be in charge and control it all, it turns out my kids—now in their 20s—have grown into capable, charming and wise emerging adults.
As I navigate this new season of parenting grown-ups, here are three (and a half) high-level lessons they’ve taught me about life, leadership, and letting go.
1. I Don’t Have to Be Liked to Be Loved
During a college visit years ago, my youngest son looked at me and said, with total disdain, "I don’t know how, but everything you do is annoying." I was speechless. But instead of demanding ‘respect’ I texted the quote to his older brother, who laughed and confirmed that I CAN be annoying and said, "I remember feeling that way!”
Fifteen minutes later, the storm had passed (without my intervention) and my younger son and I were sharing a meal and conversation.
I learned that I can be "annoying" and "beloved" at the exact same time. It’s not my job to be their best friend or their favorite person every day; it’s my job to be their steady ground.
2. Control is an Illusion
When they were small, control felt like safety. I thought if I just tightened the reins, they’d have a straight shot to a successful and independent adulthood. But as they hit their 20s, the truth was laid bare: too much control just made me exhausted and made them experts at the "work-around."
I’ve learned that while firm boundaries are the framework, control isn't an insurance policy for their success. My control and anxiety actually slowed the process down and hurt the relationship. Real ‘grown-upness’ came from them navigating the messy middle on their own.
When I stopped interfering in their life, I could get back to loving them - just the way they are today (without needing to ‘improve’ them).
3. Curing the ‘Righting Reflex’
This has been my hardest—and most relieving—lesson. I’ve had to learn to shut down my own "righting reflex"—that itchy instinct to comment on exactly how they could do something 10% better - because I love them (winky face).
The reality is, I don't know their interior goals, their energy levels, or the best way for them to tackle their to-do lists. Catching myself before I offer unsolicited advice has been the ultimate gift to our relationship. Sometimes I still trip up, but now I have the grace to apologize and pivot.
3.5 They are Hilarious & Insightful
The best part of parenting 20-somethings? You can finally let your guard down. We watch the edgy movies, debate current events, and they crack me up daily. But more than that, they know me. They offer me insightful advice, tweak my decisions for the better, and call out my reactions with just enough humor that I can actually hear them.
The takeaway: When we stop trying to manage their lives, we finally get to enjoy the people they've become.
Me and the youngest. I wasn’t so annoying when I took him to Prague!